Weekly Mailbag: Which Red Sox Players Would You Want for a Bank Heist?

By Steve Perrault – Follow on Twitter: @Steve_Perrault

As many of you may know, I produce a Red Sox based podcast called the “Section 10 Podcast,” and this week we were posed with a question that completely blew us out of the water. So much so that I’m now starting this “Weekly Mailbag” thread of posts, where I will answer and break down your top Twitter questions and concerns.

This week we were hit with the question of “Which Red Sox players would you want with you in a bank heist?” Before we could jump into which roles these players would be taking part in, the caller to our show specified that you get to have the following: The Driver, the Tech Guy, the Tough Guy, the Group Leader, and the Wild Card.

First off, let’s get the “Tough Guy” out of the way. You know it, I know it, we all know it has to be David Ortiz. So glad we all agree there.

Now for the fun part.

The Driver

My driver in this hypothetical bank heist is Pablo Sandoval. Think about every movie you’ve seen that involves a bank heist. Now picture the driver in that bank heist. What do you see? If it’s an overweight guy that more than likely has the ability to take on 5-8 bullets and somehow continue to drive the getaway car to safety, then you are CORRECT! Not to call Pablo out for his weight, but I’m 100% calling Pablo out for his weight. Since Papi is already playing the role of “Tough Guy,” Pablo takes over as the biggest player left on the team, so he will fit perfectly as my driver for this heist.

The Tech Guy

The obvious choice for the Tech Guy should be Craig Breslow, due to the fact that he graduated from an Ivy League school in Yale. But when thinking of members of the Sox that would want absolutely nothing to do with this heist, Breslow was the first player to come to mind. Picture all the guys discussing the heist in the clubhouse. I can already see Breslow in the corner saying “Guys, I REALLY don’t think this is a good idea. You might want to re-think this…” So, yea, Breslow doesn’t have what it takes to be my Tech Guy.

Instead of Breslow, Steven Wright will fill my role as Tech Guy and I couldn’t be any happier with this decision. Knuckleballers are just different. From Phil Niekro to Tim Wakefield to R.A. Dickey, they all seem to be a different breed of ballplayer. So with that in mind, I’m going to assume that Wright has some pretty cool hobbies. And one of those hobbies (for the sake of this heist) is cracking codes! Once we use the force of Big Papi to take over the bank, Wright will immediately get to work on breaking into the vault. Since he’s been cracking codes from a very young age, this shouldn’t take much time at all. We’ll need him to be quick because, like in any Boston mob movie, the cops are sure to be right on our tail, yet will somehow still find a way to miss us by approximately ten seconds.

The Group Leader

Coming off of a second straight last place finish in the A.L. East, it’s safe to say that the Red Sox have a lack of leaders in their clubhouse. One man, however, has been there through thick and thin. Dustin Pedroia is the best bet to lead this heist to victory, as he knows what it takes to overcome potential adversity. After Papi has everyone in the bank on the ground and under control, Pedroia will be there to assure the people that the Sox heisters will be out of their hands shortly, and everything is going to be just fine. He’ll make sure everyone hands over their cell phones, but Pedey knows how to do this in a polite, productive manner that will keep the room calm while Steven “Quick Hands” Wright is taking every last penny out of the vault.

The Wild Card

Last, but certainly not least, we have our Wild Card. What does the Wild Card position entail you ask? Well, just like any movie bank heist, they all seem to have one guy who just doesn’t fit into the whole dynamic of what the group is trying to pull of. He is, for the sake of this heist, called the “Wild Card” because he always seems to do something at the last second that completely throws off the ENTIRE plan.

Alexi Ogando was an easy choice to play the role of the Wild Card guy, as you can never quite seem to get a read on him. He has that Freddy Krueger look going for him too, and this fits perfectly with the role of someone that would do something completely irrational. I expect our heist to be going 100% according to plan until BAM! We’re about to leave the bank and get into the sketchy white van, when out of NOWHERE Ogando starts lighting up everyone in the bank. The job was finished, we were so close to getting out clean, and here’s Ogando hosing down the whole bank like a complete mad man. Luckily we yank him out of there, throw him in the back of the van, and (as predicted) speed away right before the cops get to the front door. Thanks Ogando, you almost ruined everything.

It's too bad that Wade Miley wasn't a part of this team. If anyone gets sick or can't take part for some reason, Miley will be the next man up.

It’s too bad that Wade Miley wasn’t a part of this heist team. If anyone gets sick or can’t take part for some reason, Miley will play the role of “Next Man Up.”

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